It has been a month since everything officially ended. Yet at the same time I still feel as if I never let you go. Occasionally I think of you and I know you think of me too, yet we both know its not meant to be.. The other day i walked past someone that smelt like you.. and just for a moment it seemed as if everything was back to normal again.
“Do you still think of me? Do you miss me?”
Every time you ask me this question, my heart breaks more. I want to say yes but at the same time I know that a third cycle is not the answer. We are not meant to be.. we don’t even have any common interests for God’s Sake! So why am I still feeling like this? Maybe I’m just lonely or not used to being alone.. Could it just be a selfish reason or could it be something more that is longing in my heart and mind?
To be strong, to show the world that I’m okay. Its simple really. Yet in reality I feel myself break bit by bit. I’m okay, I convince myself. Really. This hurt will pass, just like how all the memories will slowly fade.
I miss you. I think. Or maybe not.
I don’t know the purpose of this post, probably just gonna be word garbage of whatever comes out of my thoughts. I wanted this right..? So why am i still so hung over something that is already non existent. I should be happy but yet i’m still left with so many uncertainties and a heavy heart, the opposite of what I expected. The past three weeks were great, I was too busy to think of anything, I thought i was doing fine. But then the workload disappeared and now suddenly i feel like i’m back to stage 1 all over again. Maybe its better not to feel sometimes. The weight on my shoulders is dragging me down again. I wish I Could just be nonchalant and disappear.
We both know how things will turn out. Role reversal. How can you blame something so blameless in nature. How can you lose something so delicate overtime. Who can you blame when the fault lies within your own. The heart — unstoppable, unpredictable. When does it decide to stop beating for someone? The mind and body tries so hard to gain back what was lost yet the heart resists and says no. What is left is a destructive mess where everyone gets hurt again. Who do i blame when my own heart decides to fall out of love. How can i blame knowing that I’m the one that caused this mess unintentionally and the greater hurt lies with the other party. What do I do…
Read a quote today that said “sad? eat.”
Ironically enough, I lose my appetite when I’m upset. Unfortunately I also have strong urges to pen down my thoughts when I’m upset… so you can foresee what kind of post this is already.
Its always a battle within. To be selfish for myself or to be a little more understanding so everything can blow over and we can be happy again… To know that I deserve better or to bear it for awhile more because I believe that this season will pass over… Am i expecting too much?
I’m not happy and I don’t know why.
Hello, I realised I might have portrayed my life a little bit wrongly. Its definitely more than heartbreaks and sorrows (although i do only ever have the tendency to write when i’m upset) The semester has ended (or is going to) and i have to say i haven’t felt this liberated in a long time. Amidst the crazy hustle and bustle of year 2 life and the many moments of binge drinking, i guess i did kinda grow in a way this semester. Kinda in a different way from the previous semesters.. I don’t really know but I’m not upset about it. This semester felt necessarily and I’m happy that i managed to have gone through it.
I’m Happy, with where i am right now in life, with the people i choose to let into my life (and also those that I finally have the courage to block out) and just in general how i’m taking everything slowly step by step. It just feels good. I don’t really know how to describe it but ya. I wouldn’t say that this was an easy semester, but it really feels good and it felt good.
Okay i realise this isn’t actually a reflection cause i’m pretty lazy to write down elaborate thoughts and what nots. But ya. Hello Holidays 🙂
Nothing hurts more than open wounds… haven’t felt this stinging sensation in so long. My heart breaks every single time i think about it because i should have known all along. Words that used to have meaning now just seem redundant to me. Did you really mean it or was it just words said for the sake of saying day after day. I never meant to fight. It was never my intention to cause so much hurt to myself. The only agenda i had was to share how i truly felt about the whole situation. But every time i opened my mouth, you just seemed to want to defend yourself. My feelings are not enough of a reason for you to care. The more i repeated myself, the more I realised that you didn’t care. Isn’t it funny how such a trivial manner managed to blow into something out of proportion. Never thought i said it so soon but third times the fool. I am the fool.
Some say “Once bitten, twice shy”, while others say “Third time’s the charm”. Isn’t it funny how just a few moments ago i was writing about moving on and letting go, yet here i am now… confuzzled by the age old question.. “Should you get back with an Ex?”.
Love is truly such a mysterious and conflicting emotion. It hits you at the most unexpected occasions. Just when I thought I finally finally ready to move on… He caved in and wanted me to take him back. Common sense would tell anyone that got their heart broken by the same person twice “no!!”.. but the heart relentlessly said otherwise… Maybe I’m dumb for taking him back.. even now i’m still unsure whether I really do still love him or its the feeling of comfort and familiarity that is overruling love as an emotion…
Many question why I would make such a choice even after getting hurt countless of times… even I ask myself why and I guess in some sense i hate how easy it took for him to win me back. It took me days to build up my walls and regain my life back together.. yet he could just crumble it with the power of a few words.. Maybe it was the way he pinpointed the mistakes that he never seemed to get when we were together, or maybe it was the way i watched him tear as he asked to get back together… or maybe it was the fact that his presence gave me back a sense of relieve and belonging..
Honestly at this point of time I really don’t know whether he’s genuine or not. Whether its love or infatuation. I do hope its real though.. otherwise I can only blame myself for being utterly stupid. As much as I would like for it to be, things definitely won’t be the same. Trust wise.. is kinda broken on my end and i think its gonna take awhile before i can learn to fully love again. But i really do hope things get better.
If not i’m just an idiot falling for the same fool thrice.
Aloha! Or as the French would say – salut! (bear with me i’m taking a french module this semester bahahaha) Obviously what was left of my previous blogging ambitions was a sham because I got too lazy to jot down my mundane life. So anyways here I am once again, one and a half years later, trying to revive this mini journal.
I’m not here to try and make a blogging career out of this, but instead this shall be my little safe space where i write down my scattered thoughts and what nots. I don’t plan on making this blog public to my friends (because of the possibility of how personal this content can get). I guess I’m not comfortable with sharing it so hopefully hopefully this space belongs to me and won’t be taken away by any others. But if you do in fact happen to stumble on this little space… i guess welcome (?)
I haven’t written for a pretty long time so please do bear with me and my somewhat terrible writing skills.
So many things can change in a year and a half. Starting off with the superficial – appearance wise i think i changed my hair colour 100 times, got a new tattoo and also i dare say my make up skills got better (I think, hopefully others do agree with me on this one). However as we venture into a deeper level – I learnt many lessons, repeated many mistakes over and over again, made friends, lost friends, found love, lost love and got my heart broken.
Maybe… Love is a sham (?). It’s funny how you can suddenly decide to stop loving someone after spending so much time together. Its funny how they say love is the greatest feeling in the world, but what they don’t know is that heartbreak overpowers that feeling one hundred times more. Feelings fade and ultimately love becomes a decision you have to make. I guess he chose not to. Love is a faultless game. How can I really blame him for losing feelings for me though. Is it really his fault that he is unable to love me the same? Its complicated I guess. I couldn’t hate him even if i tried my hardest. I know that a part of me will always still love him no matter how much i want the feelings to fade away. The cliche saying is “To Love is to Let Go”, I guess theres some sense in that phrase after all. Why try so hard to push for a one sided relationship that was bound to fail eventually.
As for now.. I’m happier I think. I would say I’m in a way better position than I was a few weeks before. I feel good about myself, maybe the best i have been since months. They say that memories last forever but looking back, i can barely remember the times that we shared together. Its weird I guess.. like a huge chunk of my life is now just a blank. I don’t hate it though… in fact I’m a little grateful. Love is weird.
So many things on my mind, I guess this is the horrible consequence of drinking coffee at such an ungodly hour, God. Toss and turn but i can’t seem to put my mind at ease oh well. What happens when your safe haven that you have grown up in reveals itself as something else- with so many cracks and mistakes. Does it still remain as your safe haven or do you find refuge in another? What happens when the only place that is able to depict a little of heaven in the earthly environment shows a whole different side of chaos and uncertainty? Growing up sucks because you start to realise that most of the time anything “Perfect” does not exist, at least in the earthly context anyways. The walls are crumbling down and everyone is in jeopardy. Confrontations rise, temptations ensue and people start being dicks. How ironic isn’t it? The place where we go for refuge and strength is also the place where negative emotions and conflicts arise. This just isn’t right.